Shirring or Bust: The Ampleness of my Discontent

Boobs are great, on other people. And if you want to stuff your sad self (we’re talking about me now) into Brand you’ll be spending most of your time with that icky constipated/concentration face trying through sheer force of will to make your bust shrink. It might if you were Batman but for the rest of us it just plumb don’t work that way bub. That’ll be $79.95 and thank you for shopping at Chesty La Rue’s House of Fine Bras for the Ample Woman.

Titsy Alice Mc Gee’s Guide to Lolita for the DD’s and Beyond Crowd
a. Aw man, this sucks. I am a….. 10 F… F…. EEFFF! *how did that even happen?*

b. You have go get a decent bra. Go to any store, get the store girl to measure you properly so you know your measurements, cup size and which style suits your body shape ect. Be warned, unless you’re going to a specialist place the selection is hella grim.

c. Surgery? In this country I’d pay some dude in a sweater-vest, wife #2, $20k + 6 weeks recovery. And if I had that kind of walkin’ ’round money, sure, sweet, lets crack some tits open. And yes, I’d be doing this for less crap reasons than always wanting to stuff my wide-sad-westerner carcass into a sick old pile of Angelic Pretty. Boobs have been giving grief since I sprouted them at age 10 so the tribe has spoken on that.

d. Shirring. Depending on your body type, you may end up looking like the Michelin Man and people may ask you about gourmet restaurants as if you knew all about them. Dresses with shirring on the back area blessing and I’ve actually found a few dresses with NO SHIRRING that accommodates the ampleness of my discontent (From Baby and Metamorphose). The largest bust measurements are around the 105cm mark on any fully shirred or L sized dresses from the brands.

e. Selection. Rule of thumb for anything highly desirable is that there may be no shirring and if there’s a shirred one, be prepared to start elbowing 40 different people in the face just to get it / it’ll be sold out in .05 seconds flat. The best stuff never does. Non printed lines is touch and go and depends a lot on the season. But it’s still a 90:10 ratio split on fits:doesn’t.

So in short, I’m not very good advice here and the truly TL;DR edition of this rant is  available on cassette and cd – Big boobs? Good Bras, Shirring, surgery if you’ve got  the money, slim pickin’s from the brands.

 

Note: I had to edit the heck out of this entry to sound less bitter and crazy so this is Diatribe Lite. I need a beta/co-writer to balance the seemingly unending torrent of word vomit.

Love lolita? Got something to say? Willing to put up with my reckless disregard for the English language? Heck, I’d even consider you just to dig the less ridiculous tangents of thoughts from the regurgitated noodles of insanity I call essays and articles.

Please email me at deepincoma at hotmail dot com.
Subject title: Ampleness of Discontent.

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One Response to “Shirring or Bust: The Ampleness of my Discontent”

  1. *hugs*

    :(

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