Returns with Emotional Bagage

Huzzah! I have returned!

My recent jaunt to the Americas, both north and south has left me quite emotionally drained I must say.

It had been two + months that I had to go without my lolita clothing, the inability to walk anywhere (due to danger and distance) and the rich food had led me to gain a little weight. Now I was never very small (in weight but definitely in stature haw haw) to begin with but the recent addition of what feels like 8 zillion kilos has left me rather petrified of returning to lolita. This is my paranoia, my own issues with my size and how that relates to my identity inside and outside of lolita.

I did not have a very good time on this trip as I had no control or say in what I did which was very crushing. I have always tried to live life in a way which I had some control over my situation but two months of having to surrender that control, for safety and so that I wouldn’t “embarrass” my family. My family is embarrased by me either way being the black (and pink) sheep with or without looking like a walking cake. Well boo on them and their opinion but it doesnt mean that it isn’t very hurtfull of them.

To travel more is something I have always wanted to do but now I have decided to do so only if I have some control in the situation – perhaps that’s an imperative I should adopt to the greater aspects of my life. To try and take a little more control in my body and in my mind and not to let others try to break down my resolve.

It takes a lot of bravery to be a lolita, to take control of your wardrobe and say to the world, I will be as I am so there!  Hopefuly I’ll find my spine around here somewhere and be the lolita and person I wan tto  be.

One Response to “Returns with Emotional Bagage”

  1. This may be an old post, but I found it very inspiring >_<
    I found myself smiling with, I'll admit, watery eyes, at the 'I will be as I am so there'.
    I don't believe in the afterlife — for me, it's only here and now. So… yes, I'm here :3

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